Happy New Year! Your relationships are really going to blossom this year, I can just feel it! And I want to start the year out by sharing one of those 'ah-ha, lightbulb' moments that instantly made a difference in my relationship with my husband. And it's about the importance of intra-relational validation, even when we don't fully understand or agree with our partner.
Validation is a key ingredient for creating safe space
We’ve all read that validating someone’s thoughts, beliefs and perspectives is a real game-changer in relationships. But what does that really mean or even look like? And how the heck can we do it if we truly don't understand someone's view?
Let's start with a reminder of what validation can look and sound like in simple, everyday conversations:
“you’re right”
“I agree”
"I feel you on that one.."
"for sure"
or simply “that makes sense”.
All of these examples are easy when the subject matter happens to align with your own experience or beliefs.
But what if your partner or friend is describing or saying something that doesn’t make sense to you?What if you don’t agree? How can we still validate our partner (or friend) and remain authentic and true to our own beliefs? Fair question.
Don't Filter. Witness.
I struggled with this concept for a long time, mulling over things Nic or someone else would describe to me that just didn’t compute in my own brain. I genuinely wanted to understand. So I would ask more questions, attempt to rephrase something or paraphrase what he was saying in my own words. Sometimes I’d get lucky and we'd land on some mutual understanding. But more often, he would end up feeling misunderstood, hold back and say less.Definitely not what I was aiming for!
It was very frustrating because I was making an effort. I'd wonder, "in a relationship of real understanding, isn’t the goal to come to some mutual understanding that makes sense to both of us?"
As I would learn, this is not necessarily true.
What I didn’t understand at the time was that all those well-intended, exhaustive mental gymnastics on my end, were really a disguised effort to make my partners experience fit into my own mental template.
I'm sure we all have inadvertently done this with other people we genuinely wish to understand as well. Although no malice is intended and we may not be conscious of it, fitting someone's experience into our own mental model can sometimes be another form of trying to make ourselves feel more comfortable.
Someone who lives life differently than we do, or believes something we don’t... we may indeed listen. But along the way we try to mentally cram it into our own experience template in order to accept it. And by doing this, we inadvertently dilute, minimize and therefore invalidate the speaker’s experience - not what I imagine most of us are going for.
So, what's the solution?
How can we validate our partners (or anyone’s) differing experience and genuinely say, “I understand how you’d feel that way / act that way / view things that way”… when we, ourselves, really don’t?
The answer is the simple mental pivot from personal filtering to objective witnessing of the other person's experience.
Let’s run some examples.
Read the subtle difference based on the word that’s bolded in this phrase:
I understand why you’d feel that way.
Now try…
I understand why you’d feel that way.
(Realize that I’m not suggesting you literally emphasize those different words when you’re speaking aloud. It's more of mental practice as you're speaking.)
What I've learned and really want you to understand is that
… something can make sense from another person’s perspective while NOT making sense from your own perspective, at the same time.
Let’s do a more challenging mental-pivot example:
Think or say, "That makes sense…" (first, while filtering it through your own personal experience - which can feel inauthentic or conflicting if you really don't agree or understand).
Now try it again thinking or saying it this way...
"That makes sense..." (this time, witnessing, or listening to what led to your partner acting the way they did or thinking the way they do).
Can you sense the subtle difference?
The first version sends the unspoken message, “I’m going to struggle to accept you as a person and can’t validate your experience unless it make sense to me, the way I think”.
The second version sends the unspoken message, “knowing what I know/ am learning about you, your past, what you’ve gone through and been exposed to… I can see what led you to act/think/believe ______, even I don’t understand it from my own background”
Witnessing instead of Filtering is a powerful form of validation.
A simple mental pivot that acknowledges that the other person's experience is real for them. And allows you to connect whole-heartedly without compromising your own beliefs, lifestyle or experience.
ONE LAST NOTE: Validating a person’s experience is not the same as accepting a hurtful behavior.
If you’re in relationship that’s recovering from a hurtful behavior like betrayal, infidelity, addiction or behaviors that caused harm to the marriage, validation of your partners experience is only the first step in a series of discussions. Said differently, relational repair begins by creating safe space between partners by saying or relaying in some way that, “Knowing what I know about you and your life experience, and viewing things from that perspective, I can see what contributed to these behaviors / this belief / this way of thinking” … And then it needs to continue in future discussions that address the behaviors that need to change going forward. Which can sound something like, “ ..and now let's talk about the beliefs that need to be clarified, the behaviors that need to be different (if we want this relationship to continue), and how we can measure progress”
Summary: We can both validate our partners experience, and work on changing behaviors at the same time.
So work on honing your mental flexibility in these areas this month. And see how it improves connection in your relationships.
The Art of Being Fully Human is really about learning to do two seemingly opposite things at the same time. And just like rubbing your tummy while patting your head, it feels a bit awkward at first. But you can learn to do it.
I'm in your corner,
Jen
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