The last three monthly issues of The Connection Depot have been a 3-part series on Relational Repair after Dishonesty. This post relays what we covered in Part Two. So if you want to catch up, you can read Part One here. And when you're done with this post, Part Three is here.
In Part One, we ended by reviewing two key elements that can either contribute to, or prevent, an emotionally painful experience from becoming relationally traumatic:
Whether or not each person involved is emotionally 'soothed' (regulated) back to calm, and..
Whether or not our minds are able to find a meaning or 'make sense' of the situation, and reorganize itself.
So although recovery and the rebuild of trust involves both partners, this post is going to share some tips and insights for the partner who acted dishonestly, and is making amends. These tips come from our firsthand personal experience, combined with what we learned from those who helped guide us.
Then Part Three we'll talk about the partner on the receiving end of the dishonest behavior, how some of our coping behaviors can unintentionally make it more difficult for partners to be honest. And how we can contribute to a safer relational arena where honesty can flourish.
A BIGGER DEAL THAN EXPECTED
Before we jump in, let me clarify that the impact of dishonesty can vary depending on the subject area. Although dishonesty in any category is rarely helpful in a relationship, it's the dishonesty that breaks a relational boundary or that's relationally threatening that can uncork a lot of unresolved abandonment or rejection wounds.
Sometimes I hear the remorseful partner say something like, "I had no idea it would cause this much pain or have this kind of repercussion! ". Underestimation of the emotional impact of our actions can happen a lot in relationships Especially if we're not in touch with our own feelings.
As 'unsafe' conditions imperceptibly build up in a relationship, we can find ourselves mentally justifying dishonesty. Which also means that although lying, withholding or any dishonesty is ultimately a choice, it's easy to loose sight of its impact on our partners.
So if you're the partner who was dishonest and are making amends, at first it may feel like you're taking on the brunt of the relational healing. It may even feel a bit unfair, like you're the only one making an effort, and your side of the experience doesn't even matter. You do matter. And your side of the situation does deserve to be heard. But we've found that there's a sequence to effective relational healing. And it starts with owning, empathy and soothing of the relational pain.
If we try to explain our actions too early, before either of us take these first 3 steps, it just comes across as rationalization. Later, there will be an opportunity to contextualize behavior, which is a very different conversation. (You can review the difference between Rationalization and Contextualization here.)
So below are 6 interaction tips for the amending partner that we found helpful in accelerating the rebuild of trust. So hopefully there's something there that can help you in the same way.
KEEP YOUR INTERACTIONS GENTLE, SIMPLE and SINCERE.
1) Use the Acknowledge, Apologize and Hold strategy we've talked about a few months ago. But it will probably need to be done repeatedly. If you need a refresher, click on the bolded words above.
2) Allow yourself to feel the shame, embarrassment or guilt about the behavior. It's very natural to have these feelings, it means we're alive, we care and we're fully human. And then do your best to dig deeper, past the guilt or shame, to the love you have for your partner. Resist the urge to recoil, withdraw and shut down in behavior. Uncross your arms, turn your palms up, lean forward and reach towards your partner to help soothe the situation. It may feel 'counter-intuitive' and it doesn't mean you're solely responsible for your partners emotional experience. It simply means you're experiencing two complex feelings at the same time. Challenging - but you can do it! You can willingly offer sensitivity and love for what your partner is experiencing, while also feeling remorse or embarrassment about your own behavior. The key is which one you focus on and lead with.
Trust me on this one: if you can practice feeling two things at once, while leaning into the one that brings you towards your partner? It will accelerate your relational healing.
3) Vocalize softly, gently, genuinely. Studies have shown that voice tone can mean so much more than our words. It may take several repetitions and it isn't a stand alone solution. But speaking in a voice that relays love, concern or remorse versus defense, contempt or irritation goes a long way. It can be hard to manage your voice when you're feeling defensive or angry. So do your best to pause, take a deep breath or two, and try again. It takes practice. And you don't have to get it perfectly right to be effective.
4) Learn to apologize effectively. A meaningful apology has 4 parts: Acknowledge, Own, Remorse and Amends. Watch this 90 second reel for examples of what each of those 4 parts look and sound like.
5) Keep your explanation pretty much the same, minimizing 'variations' that may be misinterpreted as 'new information' or 'changing the story'. Believe me, I understand the need to try different ways of explaining your thoughts and actions. And the partner who is hurting from the dishonest behavior will struggle for a while to make sense of it. But we've found that although explaining things 'differently' is super helpful in in many situations, when it comes to a rebuilding trust after a lie or dishonest behavior, variations can sometimes 'add fuel to the fire'. So stay mindful that you contextualize your thoughts and behavior instead of rationalize them. Be thorough but succinct, so it's easier to repeat. And if you're getting therapeutic support or guidance to better understand yourself and your behavior (which I highly recommend), you can at least tell your partner, "what I understand so far about why I did what I did is this..."
AND...
6) Slow down your interactions. The honest truth is that 'what works' in our business life, rarely works in our relationships. Data crunching, task completion and project management primarily uses our left brain networks.
Our love and relationship life demands we use more of the right brain relational-sensory networks. AND…(pay attention here!) those two sides of the brain function best at different 'frequencies' or firing speeds.
Here's how to do it - Our relational-sensory brain areas work best at a much slower speed than our intellectual, or problem-solving brain areas do. It's just part of our design. Faster pathway firing allows us to problem-solve and take action if we're in danger. Slower firing allows for emotional connection when we're at ease, and allows us to build family or community and process our environment through our senses. Living and working in both worlds requires our ability to fluidly speed up or slow down as needed.
So if you want greater success in talking to your loved one and accessing your sensory-rich, empathetic, relational side… it starts by slowing down your brain and nervous system. Way down. Stop what you're working on. Breathe deeply for a few minutes, listen to some music and physically and mentally relax before you talk. And when you do start to speak, talk slower.
EXTRA NOTE: Sometimes I'm asked, “Is it okay to have a beer or vape a bit to slow down before we talk ?”. My response is this: although alcohol and vaping may quickly downshift your brain speed, it also can have a distorting effect, as well as decreased retention effect. In addition, using a substance doesn't help your nervous system learn to calm itself on its own. Although it's really a personal choice, consider first trying it without the aid of a substance. It may take more practice. But not only will your nervous system be learning, you’ll probably absorb the conversation more clearly and remember more of what you talked about later.
A quick message
In the next post we'll wrap up this 3-part series on rebuilding trust. Specifically, how some of our coping behaviors can inadvertently contribute to a relationship feeling 'unsafe', and what we can do about them. See more in the short video below.
Feel free to contact me with any questions and of course, invite anyone you know who is drawn to simplicity and believes in the power of being fully human in their relationships to join our community.
I'm in your corner,
Jen
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