12 Ways Wives Undermine their Marriages Without Knowing it

I was inspired to write this post after reading the men's version at the Good Men’s Project called 16 Ways Husbands Undermine their Marriages without Knowing it. It’s a great read and shared many insights on behaviors that men can improve to foster a thriving partnership.

So I gave it some thought and came up with a list of my own - all of which I’ve been guilty of in the past, but have improved dramatically over time. And combined with my husbands’ efforts, it’s contributed to the interdependent marriage we have today. Of course, many that I've listed could go both ways. These are simply the ones I've had to work on. So take a look, and see if any are worth considering in your own relationship.

1. Helping too much. 

Your husband shares a struggle, and you instantly want him to feel better. I get it. You care, and you don’t want him to hurt. But in the moment, it can be hard to tell how much of your desire to ‘help’ is about easing his pain… and how much is really about easing your own discomfort with witnessing it. 

Sometimes, over-helping can unintentionally rob someone of their autonomy, or send the subtle message that you don’t believe they’re capable of figuring it out on their own. 

Let your partner decide if he wants your help. Often, what’s most needed is simply sitting with them in their struggle and listening. It might feel counterintuitive in the moment, but it sends a powerful unspoken message: you care enough to trust that they’ll figure it out, or capable of asking for input when they want it. 

In the middle between helping too much and not helping at all, lies caring, attentive listening while sitting with them through their struggle.

2. Panicking when he brings up ‘wild’ ideas

What you may see as ‘wild’ or ‘impulsive’ might actually be quite reasonable and more thought-out to your partner. Men often reflect on things internally long before they ever talk about them. And sometimes, a thought is just that: a thought. 

It’s easy for our minds to leap to unwarranted, even unnerving, conclusions, especially if your emotional landscape is naturally high-energy. And when we panic, we often respond with subtle resistance to try and control our own upset, which can feel like rejection to our partners. 

So when your husband suddenly gets a burst of enthusiasm to do something unexpected - like quit his job, buy a boat, or invest in new technology - don’t panic. Ask questions instead. “Do you mean now?” “What would that look like?” “What got you interested in _____?” Questions and curiosity draw out details without shaming your partner’s thought process. 

In the middle between going along with everything and resisting the unexpected, lies curiosity and an opportunity to connect by learning how your partner sees the world.

3. Crowding his mental space 

In our eagerness for closeness, we can unintentionally smother our partners. And if your partner grew up feeling small in the shadow of a self-absorbed parent and without having their own needs acknowledged, then your reaching out can feel almost feel ‘claustrophobic’. 

Give your partner space. Men often process internally long before bringing it up for conversation. Wanting space doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. You actually have a better shot at closeness by letting him know you’re interested in his thoughts, when he’s ready to share. 

In the middle between smothering and neglect, lies a range of mental space that each couple needs to honor and respect. 

4. Being too available - literally.

This is the physical counterpart to mental space. Honoring each other’s need for mental breathing room is important—but sometimes, couples in long-term relationships need physical space too. That might mean working from different areas of the house (Nic’s office is upstairs, mine is downstairs), or taking short weekend trips away with friends. 

Men are often wired more for longing and pursuit, while women tend to be more wired for committed connection. That doesn’t mean men can’t crave connection or women can’t enjoy pursuit. It’s simply a reflection of our hormonal design and the natural directions we often lean towards. Understanding this about each other can be incredibly powerful. 

Of course, each couple needs to talk about what’s realistic: how much space? And how often feels healthy while still maintaining connection?

But somewhere between spending every waking moment together and too much time apart lies time on your own that nurtures both autonomy and a thriving relationship. 

5. Over-reliance on Control

Many of us enjoy organization, neatness, and order. It can be a grounding counterbalance to the chaos of the world we live and work in. But when that desire for order becomes too rigid or exacting across every area of life, it can send the wrong message: If I expect this much perfection from myself, I must expect it from others too. 

And since humans are imperfect and your husband is not a replica of you, an over-reliance on control can come across as intolerance of his differences. 

It’s the subtle snark about socks left on the floor, the sighs and head shakes at dishes in the sink, or the small “helpful” comments that actually carry a hint of criticism. These micro-moments slowly chip away at connection, like death by a thousand cuts. Or maybe even worse, you suppress the frustration until resentment builds and eventually explodes. 

So what I’m saying is yes, be neat. But let some things slide. Be organized. But leave a little room for spontaneity.

In the middle between excessive control and no control at all is a space where variety and individuality can coexist, and where your relationship can breathe. 

6. Not doing your own personal work

It’s easy to spot what your partner could stand to do better. But it’s much harder to read your own label from inside the bottle. Know what I mean? In a love relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Whether it’s overt or subtle, intended or accidental, each partner’s behavior influences the other in some way. 

That’s why it’s important not to get complacent about your own Inner Fitness, no matter how much your partner’s behavior may have hurt you. If you’re still getting intensely triggered or shutting down during everyday disagreements, there’s some individual healing to be done. That doesn’t mean couples work isn’t important. It most certainly can be. But personal work, whether it comes first or alongside, matters just as much as doing it together. 

Whether it’s through therapy, books, podcasts, or reflection, learning more about yourself and how your life has shaped you will inevitably improve how you relate to your partner. 

In the middle between focusing only on yourself and focusing only on your partner, is personal development that fosters relational growth.

7. Not showing interest in his hobbies

Nic loves tinkering in the garage, rebuilding Jeeps, teaching himself how to weld, and figuring out how to use a winch to pull a 5-ton overland vehicle out of ten inches of mud. Me? Not that interested. 

I love creating infographics on Canva, going to brunch with my friends, and wandering through HomeGoods just to look around, even if I don’t plan to buy anything. Him? Not that interested. 

But what we are interested in, is each other. 

What is it about tinkering that he loves so much? Why did he pick that attachment over another for the Jeep? What did we talk about at brunch? What makes that infographic so important to share? And what do I love about roaming a home décor store? 

It’s not that we want to take on each other’s hobbies. But our curiosity and engagement send a message: I care about what lights you up. 

In the middle between showing zero interest in your husband’s hobbies and fully adopting them as your own, is the sweet spot of connection where you can honor and appreciate each other’s individuality. 

8. Not having sex just for fun

It’s understood that women often need more emotional closeness before physical intimacy. And thankfully, many men are learning to recognize and honor that.

But don’t forget that physical pleasure is fun too! Our bodies are amazing. And of course they deserve respect. AND.. they also deserve to be enjoyed. We can experience emotional intimacy as a leadup to sex. And we can be sexually playful simply as a way to experience life through these incredible, living bodies while we can. 

In the middle between always needing emotional connection to have sex, and always having sex in order to feel emotionally connected, is a space where we can experience both playful pleasure and deeply connected intimacy. 

9. Being jealous of his “work”

Long hours at the office. Laptop open late at night. Constant emails. It can feel invasive, like your relationship is competing with a mistress. And without clear boundaries, it can be hard to tell where you and your marriage fit in.

But here’s something a beloved therapist once shared with us that changed the way I viewed my husband’s work: Sometimes a “work family” can act as a substitute for a dysfunctional family of origin. 

If someone grew up feeling unheard, being valued at work can meet a deep need for autonomy or participation. If a person never felt like they truly belonged in their genetic family, a team at work can offer that sense of community they’ve longed for.

Of course, we can better support a multi-dimensional life by getting those needs met from multiple sources. And agreed-upon boundaries are key. But seeing it through this lens softened my perspective. I began to understand what my husband’s time and involvement at work really represented. 

In the middle between viewing work as a threat to the relationship and letting it consume your relational space, is a place of understanding where you can honor what work means to your partner, while fostering relational connection.

10. Believing everything must be 50/50 all the time

If there was a time in your marriage where one partner didn’t show up as needed, and the other partner over-performed or did too much, it makes sense that you’d want to re-balance things.

But expecting everything to be split evenly all the time can create unnecessary pressure, especially for the partner who’s genuinely trying to step up.

There are always going to be times when Nic or I help each other out more, sometimes even taking over tasks the other typically handles. The key is to zoom out a bit. Look at the overall balance over a longer stretch of time: a week, a month, or even a few months, depending on the circumstance.

In the middle between doing everything and not showing up at all, is a shared rhythm of responsibility that can flex and adapt as needed. 

11. Not showing appreciation for small, everyday stuff. 

Of course, he takes out the trash every week. And you make the kids’ lunches every day. He keeps the cars in working order, and you keep the household budget on track. But showing up routinely still deserves appreciation! 

So, just because your husband does something regularly - and maybe because he does - take a moment, look him in the eyes, and tell him how good it feels knowing he’s consistently got your back. And tell him how ‘doing life’ with him is so much more enjoyable because of that. Don’t be surprised if he finds other ways to step up in the future. 

In between gushing over everything and ignoring the routine, lies genuine appreciation for your partner’s everyday presence and effort

12. Not touching base routinely 

When you’ve been with a partner for a while, it’s easy to think you know them. So, you’ll go a long time assuming you understand how they think or how they’ll respond in certain situations. Big mistake! We’re all constantly growing and being influenced by what we see, hear, and read every day, as well as the people we spend time with. 

Sometimes these changes are so subtle, we don’t know it ourselves until we act on them. And when that behavior feels shocking or quite different, it can lead to upset and arguments. How did we miss that? Not checking in - or waiting too long to check in - is usually the culprit. Granted, this doesn’t have to happen daily or even weekly. 

But in the middle between being hyper vigilant and living with unchanging assumptions, are opportunities to get to better understand your continually evolving partner.

We recommend monthly check-ins over coffee, or in place of watching a movie together one night. Here’s a list of the questions we use. Download it now.

So you don't need to make all these changes at once. 

But the only way change occurs is through consistent, progressive practice. So if one of these hit home? Practice doing something different this week. Then add another the next week. And as always, feel free to reach out with any questions.

Jen

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